Things WERE going super good... but it seems like one of those times where it's, "what can go wrong, will go wrong" and it's all happening one thing after another..

We all know, I am a broke mother fucker. For a while, I had money or even EXTRA money due to my birthday, or the selling of things I had laying around my room... Or doing the clay stuff which I don't seem to have time to do anymore. But there's been no holidays, nothing to sell, no one to buy etc... I just don't have money. I feel like everyone around me is having to suffer because of it. Specially Chris and since it's not his child it feels REALLY wrong. A month ago he got into a car accident that cost him 5500 dollars, which thankfully was mostly paid by his insurance company. Then he has a deductible of 500 bucks... which was sucky, but okay because he HAD money, note HAD. All the sudden (and without too much surprise), his account is now negative. It was negative 600 bucks... he got paid 300 for a short week and then now... it's 500 ugh! So his next paycheck is going to be completely SWALLOWED by that overdraft fee. Ohhh man. Haha. MEANWHILE 50 bucks a week DOES NOT pay for a child. It absolutely does not. And nothing gets through to Charles.... I spend 35-40 bucks a WEEK on diapers. That's almost all of it right away. I spend 35 dollars on food! That's 70+ dollars right there. How can I afford a baby with that kind of money? What about clothes? What about toys? A child needs to learn. What about his prescriptions? What about baby tylenol or orajel? What if I need more bottles? What if all of his pacifiers went missing? Exactly. You cannot afford a baby on 50 a week and honestly I don't know how I have this long. Looks like i'm going to sell my camcorder for now until REAL child support kicks in. Charles makes 500 bucks A WEEK! HE can afford to give me 100 a week. AT LEAST 75 which he was for a while. I guess he'd rather his child suffer and keep his internet.

I mean, I've tried thinking of ways I can work.. there's no possible way. And now that Lees car is officially dead, I cannot use my moms car. They always have it. I can't even CASH my check because they don't get home till 9 pm. This is getting really old really fast. I have a doctors appointment that needs to be made any day now... but I can't go to that either.

Aiden was vomiting again, he's allergic to sweet potatoes? Makes no sense because he used to eat and LOVE them before. Sudden allergy? I guess... He's not drinking as much and he's had diarrhea for at least two weeks. The child has to have lost weight. I'm worried. Specially with as mobile as he is now... He's thinning out quickly.

Cmmmmonnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what's going to happen next? Who the efffff knows. But here's a cute pic of Aiden crawling. 11 months old in 7 days.. And guess what! HIS BIRTHDAY IS NEXT MONTHHHHHHHHHHH Wow.

Life has been so ultimately rewarding lately. I just can't get over how much Chris is an absolute godsend, everything I've ever wanted in someone and more. Still going on just three months together and he still amazes me every day. So much so that I just keep repeating myself! I just can't help it. Just the smallest things mean so much to me, that may not seem like a huge deal to someone else. Raising alone has been so hard, but I've gotten through the hardest part. Instead of dreading my life indoors and blaming Charles for ruining my life, I've learned to love it again and realize I have so much to look forward to.

Just last night we came home from the store and he and I both got food, and while letting his get cold, he told me to go ahead and start making my own food and that he'd put Aiden to bed. He knows me trying to get Aiden to sleep is always so so hard on me... because he HATES sleeping. Sometimes we get lucky and he just randomly passes out... but most of it is a battle haha. JUST THAT ALONE stopped me in my tracks and I was just like, WOW... I can EAT! Seems easy to YOU but just eating alone becomes an impossible task sometimes with a little one.

He was also there for me when Aiden woke up randomly two nights ago... He wouldn't go back to sleep but he wouldn't eat.. this was very very odd. I held him and swayed back and forth trying to get him to sleep... when randomly I put him up on my shoulder and he just PROJECTILE vomited about 3 times all down the front of me. I've never seen Aiden sick.. I've never had him throw up before... So I just fell to my knees and started crying my eyes out, holding Aiden close to me. Chris asked if he could do anything and I was just like GET MY MOM!!! I definitely felt a lot better with both of them there. Moms need support too! I held Aiden and cleaned him up from time to time, leaned him over the bucket, patted his back (he was choking on his vomit :<), rubbing his back and forehead.. just doing everything I could. I talked him through it and swayed him back to sleep a few hours later. Chris helped me comfort Aiden, Chris comforted me and my mom was getting buckets and blankets... I wouldn't have made it through the night without them. It was my first time so I was clueless. I didn't want to even sleep that night so I could watch over him but I was so exhausted. I just laid my hand on his tummy so I could feel him breathing and passed out behind him. He's fine now! The food wasn't expired... I dunno what it was. But he's never eating sweet potatoes and Chicken dinner EVER AGAIN! haha

Hmm what else... Chris should be getting his car back any time now. I got some sun poisoning... I dunno what version of pump it up is at Eds Funcade but I'm loving it more than ITG atm. 99ing some 9 crazy songs I've never played before infront of a crowd is SO FUN!@ I can't believe Aiden is still napping. So I'm going to make him a bottle and KISS HIM !

Life is so so good.

My ex and his wife had a baby in May... and their baby girl was just diagnosed brain dead so they decided to donate her organs and bury her..... I can't fucking believe that.. It's so sad and NOT FAIR! Not only that he didn't even know if his wife was going to make it... shes not even able to walk still and probably wont for another 6 months.. I can't even imagine...

You're in my thoughts.

What else can I write about?

Aiden is pulling himself up on stuff FINALLYYY!!! He's like .3 seconds away from crawling. He actually back crawls, but I don't count that :P It looks so pathetic. He's TEN. MONTHS. OLD!!!!!!!! WTF? two months for me and chris. easiest two months ever. i already know im going to marry this guy so why can't it be like a year already? time is gay and cruel sometimes. this keyboard sucks

my half sleeve, even though healed, itches like a mother fucker! And sticks way out of my skin... im wondering if it's going to stay like that. Ugh. i can't wait to finish it though.. no ones even seen it yet. Ive been too busy, ugh.

Bought a bathing suit yesterday, things are looking good! I was getting up to 125lbs eating out every day and quickly started eating better and am already 119 again. Right where I want to be :) Specially the fam get together on Sun.

Aiden says MOM MOM MOM MOM instead of mamamama I have no problem with that, takes me by suprise. It's very cute. Bout damn time.

So any way. Doc said the "saga" is over... Aiden is fine. This annoys me. (then again, what doesn't?) All that trouble for NOTHING? Whatever. Aidens seems happy and healthy... that's all that matters.

Next Sun (21st) itll be fathers day, party at my dads.. So excited because it'll be the first time that side of my family has seen Aiden. It'll be Aidens first time in the pool.. It'll be me and chris' two months AND Aiden will be TEN months old!! Holy shit. Good times.

another pic of the tat... can't see all of it in one shot Gah that's annoying, but it's so BA in person :D I can't wait to finish it

More happened with the Doc. I had to get another Lab and another doc visit... and then was told if it comes back bad again he was going to have to get a cathiterization which I know I spelled wrong. It could damage his penis.. FOREVER (THANKS MOM!) and yeah. Doc calls back, says, "the saga is over" WTF? All this to say absolutely nothing? And they say that pediatrician is one of the best... I have my doubts.

Anyway I got my half sleeve that I wanted for my birthday. Got two days off FRI and SAT. I needed those oh so badly. Now I can return to my regularly scheduled difficult but manageable life. I also cleaned my room up completely gutting everythinggg and making way more storage room. It's way better.

I tattooed myself with my tattoo gun. That was fun. When I got my half sleeve I got to ask my tattoo artist a lot of related questions I had on my mind that was nice.

MY arm looks like it's going to fall off, it's kinda cool.

but still.... wtf? So they were different pee tests not all were urinalysis' apparently. This last one took 2-3 days and it's been the weekend so I haven't heard back. I did hear one HUGE thing that relieved me greatly, "If all goes well I'll see you back at Aidens 12m appt" OMG That feels soooooooooooo good to hear. I went to the doc more times than I should've in five fuckin YEARS!

Now just to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me at MY doctor... if I ever get around to it :/
Chris and I had our first little "thing" First to me is always the worst.

I had another follow up yesterday at the doctor. Was going over the lab results from the second urine lab. Turns out now there is a trace of blood in his urine.. guess what? I have to do ANOTHER fucking lab. I should've yesterday but I was just too tired and had shit I had to do. So I'm doing it today. Off to union hospital I go again to outpatient labs. Just so I can sit and wait hours. Not to mention I had to wait an hour just to be seen by the doc yesterday. Never again am I going around 3pm talk about ridiculous. I'll go in the morning. I'm up between 7-9 anyway.

Then I have a follow up again at the doc this time at 930 am on Fri. Ugh.


I have sooo much to do today.....

My newest annoyance is people telling me "it's going to be okay, it's prolly this or this" I don't give a fuck what your guess is as to what is wrong with Aiden NOR do I want you to tell me, "it's going to be okay" Fuck you! Don't tell me it's going to be okay when you don't understand at all. Specially the ones that don't even have kids.


Anyway... all things aside, things with Chris and I are still 100% perfect. I get my half sleeve done two weekends from now. My tattoo kit is going to be here fri so I can start learning. I'm working on getting my GED. Saving up for an apartment.

Should I be worried that Aidens head and height is in the 95th-100th percentile?

Its proven babies with bigger heads have a higher IQ. But this scares me about water on the brain. I mean it literally is on it's last line. I hope it doesn't get any bigger X.x

I won't get results from his fuckin' lab until tuesday.... way to leave a mom worried.

So I've been even BUSIER since the last time I updated. This time with major info. Nothing retarded.

Aiden and I have had a very exhausting set of days the past day and yesterday. I take him in for his regular 9 month WBV only to see he has a petechial rash. It looks like "pin-point bleeding" under the skin. It doesn't dissipate when pressed on. This was a cause of concern because it could mean he has low blood platelets or is dropping in them. She wanted to do bloodwork. INSTEAD as we spoke she said they seemed to be spreading so she ordered me to go to the Emergency Room and get it done ASAP. This had me freaking out because I got little to no explanation. So I head over to the ER. Note my appt. was at 115pm and I don't even get home till 530pm... Aiden got a pee sample taken with this little bag that attaches, and 5 FIVE!! Huge tubes of blood. Seeing this was very very hard. You have no idea, and will not. A scream like the one I heard could bring tears to anyones eyes. Blood and taking MY blood is no biggie. So... seeing him like this is horrible, he doesn't understand, and I just want to comfort him. Anyway.. he was VERy very well behaved. Specially all we had gone through that day. Lab takes an hour. Results are completely normal. Gotto go back tomorrow. (Today now)

245pm appt. Again, didn't get home till 530pm turns out all the labs WEREN'T normal... urine sample came back with some puss in it? So.. guess where they sent me AGAIN?? They sent me to UNION> to the outpatient labs. Took fucking FOREVER considering there was no one IN THERE!!!!!!! Finally, got that done.. oh? But the doc said maybe the lab at the hospital was "miss read" because the lady didnt correctly clean the area before applying the bag to catch his pee. Which is FUNNY considering I don't remember the bitch cleanin' it at all!! This doctor at the office cleaned the wang VERY very well. BUT! Guess what? The dumb bitches cut a hole in the diaper for the pee bag to hang out of till I got him over to Union. DUMB IDEA. Not only was the bag not well enough APPLIED to the area... some pee leaked out AND~ AND!!!! It got into the gel.. in the HOLE of the diaper which was coming out EVERYWHERE in the office, embarrassingly. It's been a day. That I can tell you. So guess what.. now the lab might be fucked because the gel could've gotten into the pee sample. I was told not to "freak out" if the results came back as something funky. WONDERFUL. Just to be told I might have to turn around and do that shit all over again.

Jesus Christ.

So yeah. Now Im worried, and they can't get their shit straight.

And I said FUCK YOU FLUORIDE~ and yeah. I totally feel better now.

Thankfully I have Chris to be supportive and loving to both of us during this time <3 I really love him.

Oh and something I really fucking hate. Mom came with me to doc and hospital and they always talked to her and looked at her as if it were her baby. NOTHIN MAKES ME MORE ANGRY!! IT'S MY BABY FUCKERS

ehm...

My baby boy is amazing




He loves me!!!

Facebook is down, whatever will I do?

my bf has seriously amazing eyes. they really are this color in the sun.... i've never seen anyone with orange or yellow eyes in my life :D


i'm luckyyyyyyyyy

mom felt bad about the whole birthday thing cause she took me out for a "birthday lunch" at Woody's. This is where I went for my 21st birthday and ate endless crabs yummmmmm. I got a sex on the beach which was WAY stronger than the last two I had. And.. I was tipsy by the end of it haha. Who knew I'd be drinking so soon after throwing up over a hundred times two weeks ago due to alcohol :(


That's from lunch.


Weekend was awesome as usual. I didn't do my normal best on ITG cause it has been around a month. And.. this time I didn't get that horrible pain I usually get. WEIRD. Instead I ended having to stop after 5 rounds because of bursitis. -_-

Sunday was Mothers day YAY and we went to the harbor. Then the aquarium there. It's nice :D Aiden really liked it all and was VERY VERY good. Usually is a fantastic baby :D

He gets around so much now without even crawling. He gets into EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGG. haha...

But yeah, good stuff.

So... there goes my birthday. Mom said she was going to watch Aiden and I was really excited I get to celebrate my 22nd birthday how I would've celebrated my 21st since I was preggo at that time. Next thing I know it's, "Oh yeah I had to exchange working friday to get monday off so I could spend the weekend and come back on monday from SC" Which is a fucking beach house. Gee. Thanks a fuckin LOT! Then I get to go to the wedding the day after and she said "well im watching him on sat" How does that help ME>?? It isn't MY wedding and it sure isn't giving me time off. Then I get to babysit a 15 year old (no idea) for an entire week while my dad and step mother are off in Puerto Rico for their honey moon. Ridiculous -_-

Hmmmmm. Last night was fun. I got to be really close with Chris and that is a good feeling :)

I wished I had been able to randomly go to FL on the 30th and Chris is just like, "Let's DO IT!" "Whatever you want!" I'm like, WTF You don't even know the reason why I want to go there yet! haha. He's so awesome.

THANK YOU OKCUPID haha. So many people I know that are HAPPY met off a dating site. It's ironic.

Need to get back into the habit of posting in my journal daily. SO here I am.

Totally had a retarded dream. I was laying chains in mud... why? I don't know. I get the sense I was to pull them out after the mud hardened... but what good does that do? I'll never know. And why I was walking in the mud in my socks? Also will never know. My mind dreams up some weird shit.

It's 7 am. Chris left about an hour ago... he didn't sleep last night so I'm glad he unwillingly passed out for the last 6 hours... he needs it. Ever since we started dating on the 21st of April... we haven't gone a day without seeing each other. Sad thing is, I almost made him stay home today (glad I didn't cause he had a bad day), to catch some sleep... and we just.. couldn't? I mean I know we could but we were both like... wtf are we going to do?

I'm enjoying spending more time off the computer and spending it with my guys :)

Awe Aiden was having a bad dream :( Hehe so cute in his too big size 4 diapers. Makes no sense. 3 is too small, 4 is too big. HAHA Now he's smiling!! He must take after his mom and have retarded dreams. I dunno what i'd do without 'em.

So... it's my birthday in uhm.. wow. 9 days. I'm going to be 22. WTF Seems so crazy... Such a great age though not too young, can do anything and definitely not too old. Wish I could stay at 25 for ever :P Sucks though. You know you're getting older when you don't get anything for your bday :P I want to get that tattoo... but that's looking farther and farther away. I got 50 bucks from my aunt that I used on new jeans and a set of new lip rings. MAN did I need new jeans. The rest of it got spent on Aiden. I got 100 already from my Grandparents. That's being "held" because I'm using 65 to get this internet practice test and program to get my GED. and 45 to take the test at a testing center. I hope I don't fail, and it's not that I'm stupid, I am just the WORST test taker... EVER 4 hour test, timed. TIMED! I hate timed. The only thing I'm worried about is the math. But I'll be sure to practice it until i'm comfortable. I just hate the sound of wasting 50 bucks ;P

At the same time I am so excited. Secretly, not having my GED or high school diploma makes me feel really shitty about myself... And... now, being a "single" (Single as in not married) mother makes me look even worse. Like as if I had a baby while I was 16 and dropped out. That's how I feel, anyway. Maybe I can even file for bankruptcy or something. Who knows. But I have to start over, I have 3 credit cards, some medical bills and a verizon bill (thanks charles for the 400 dollar bill) for satellite internet. So.. yeah.

Then, possibly as I've said going to that dentists' assistant class?

All of Chris' exs had good jobs and I just don't want to drag him down. And I don't want him to pay for everything. I've never liked anyone buying me things or paying for my stuff. I can only hope to get somewhere. Maybe we can live together in the future too. I doubt it'd be much different than it is now considering we spend every free moment we have together anyway.

EDIT: IF one fucker sucks at driving (who doesn't these days) and HITS ME FINALLY, they are going to be one sorry mother-fucker! Seriously. I have SO much aggression towards bad drivers because people keep almost hitting me in the MOST RETARDED WAYS. I almost followed one guy the other day because I wanted to let them KNOW how angry I was. If someone hits me and specially... if they hurt my son, they're going to have ultimate hell to pay. I will be their worst nightmare, I promise. Fuckers learn how to FUCKING DRIVE!

so insane how ones mindset changes so much so quickly. I notice it here and there.

Same thing as my son... over the last couple days... he has been transforming into this young little man... one with a personality. I keep noticing him rolling over onto his tummy to get things. He's like one step away from crawling. I mean.. to fathom him being MOBILE is like... amazing. He is passing the ball back and forth to me. Just all these little things he does amazes me. It could even be new facial expressions he learned from watching me. He even holds out his hands when he wants me, misses me when I'm gone. The feelings I get from this are so great. Being a mom is so so so rewarding. The way he looks at me is different and everything.

I still can't believe he is part of me and that I created him, my heart is just filled with so much love.

He's becoming my lil man and I have so many things to look forward to. He'll be a year old in 3.5 months. Can you believe that?

My life is more than complete right now.

This guy proves himself more and more everyday. Every time I learn more. I love when we talk and talk. It's so SO easy. We're so alike yet come from completely different backgrounds. It's amazing that we're so alike in that aspect. Being around him is like a breath of fresh air, soooo REFRESHING.

We had a great weekend. Charles basically resigned his position as "Dad" so... yeah. Rightfully, very soon Aiden will have someone to call "dad" and have a positive influence and someone to look up to :) This makes me very happy. Actually... everything makes me very happy.

My birthday is in two weeks (less than) and the wedding is the day after. :) I'm so excited. What a great life I have to live now.

Also I had a dream Aiden has flashlights for feet. Cool.

x visionRED x (12:59:31 AM): Because you know, if we get married..
x visionRED x (12:59:43 AM): I would want to adopt hom
x visionRED x (12:59:50 AM): Him*
x4n71554x (1:00:33 AM): i would want you to too.....
x visionRED x (1:00:55 AM): Well it only makes sense
x4n71554x (1:01:16 AM): you have no idea how much that means to me that you said that X.x
x visionRED x (1:01:57 AM): It does? I figured you'd just assume that
x4n71554x (1:02:08 AM): uh...
x4n71554x (1:02:09 AM): yeah...
x4n71554x (1:02:27 AM): when you said that i just about couldnt breathe lol...
x visionRED x (1:02:35 AM): Nonetheless it's the truth
x visionRED x (1:02:47 AM):
x4n71554x (1:02:49 AM): he would call you dad?
x visionRED x (1:03:03 AM): Of course!!
x visionRED x (1:03:14 AM): That's the idea
x4n71554x (1:03:33 AM): i couldn't be happier with that idea
x4n71554x (1:03:42 AM): you sure you really want that?
x visionRED x (1:03:58 AM): Yes
x visionRED x (1:04:41 AM): I am definitely sure